


Remus Hates Baths

by screamingatstars



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Bathrooms, Dark Sides share a room, Forced Bathing, Gen, Innuendo, No Nudity, No Romance, No Sex, Prompt Fic, Remus typical stuff, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21994165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamingatstars/pseuds/screamingatstars
Summary: When Remus tries to get out of cleaning himself up one too many times, Deceit takes matters into his own hands for the sake of everyone’s sense of smell.This fic is written from a prompt by TiredPanAndNotAFan here on AO3!
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit Sanders, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 61





	Remus Hates Baths

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TiredPanAndNotAFan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiredPanAndNotAFan/gifts).
  * Inspired by [A Collection of Sanders Sides Prompts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21341503) by [TiredPanAndNotAFan (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/TiredPanAndNotAFan). 



> I had a lot of fun writing this fic! I’ve been wanting to try out writing something with Remus for a while now, and this prompt really caught my eye. I’m actually pretty happy with how this one turned out :)  
> Original prompt: Remus does not like baths.

There was a reason Remus was always stinky: He had never once taken a bath. And if he ever had, it certainly wouldn’t have been willingly.

When left to his own devices, Remus simply let all the dirt and blood and who-knows-what-else that he got into inside the Imagination build up on his skin and clothes and hair, creating his signature scent that he liked to call Pickled Poo Logs. It was a convenient way for the others to know when he was trying to sneak up on them, but if he got too close there was a chance you might temporarily lose either your ability to smell or consciousness. 

Remus had successfully weaponized scent, and he absolutely loved it. It was his favorite way to end the day: emerging from the Dark Imagination, sweaty, sticky, and exhausted, and immediately running directly to the Commons in order to make his brother collapse from the stench. But his unwilling roommate, Deceit, wasn’t as fond of his smells as he was.

All of the Dark Sides shared a single ‘room’. Each night, Deceit would either scrunch up his nose and put up with the scent while sleeping on the farthest side of the space, or demand that Remus clean himself. And every time the demand for a bath was made, Remus assured him he would take one. And every time, he would simply let the water run and then waltz out half an hour later, somehow smelling even more repugnant than before.

And Deceit was finally, totally, completely done with this crap.

“Remus Sanders, I am going to throw you into the subconscious to rot forever if you do not wash your filthy body right this second,” Deceit said, standing directly in front of Remus’ bed, blocking him from accessing it. Remus tried to shove past him, purposely pushing his filthy armpit directly into Deceit’s face in the process, but his efforts were in vain. The snake shoved him back, crossing his arms and widening his stance even as his face slowly turned an unnatural shade of green.

“Aw, come on, Dee, I just wanna sleeeeep,” Remus whined. “I’ll take a stupid bath tomorrow.”

“Oh, like you said you would yesterday, and five days ago, and every single other time I’ve asked you to just clean yourself for the past  _ two years? _ ”

Remus grinned proudly.

“Exactly!” 

Deceit groaned, then promptly gagged on the foul scent. He coughed into his elbow, face going even greener.

“Okay, I have had enough. You are taking a bath. Now.” And with that, he summoned an extra layer of gloves, snapped them over his hands, and seized Remus’ arm. He sank out quickly, before the other could even say anything in response. The stench didn’t get any weaker in the travel, Deceit noted. Pity.

He had taken Remus to the Dark Side bathroom, a small, dingy space with a single cracked sink, a leaky bathtub, a barely-functioning toilet, and a non-functioning shower head. The bathroom was shared by all of the Dark Sides, a fact that they were all severely miffed about. Deceit and Remus were both half-convinced that Virgil left them for the Light Sides only because of the miserable bathroom situation.

Remus caught one glimpse of the bathtub Deceit was eyeing and immediately started thrashing in his grip, stretching towards the exit, but to no avail. Deceit wrenched the faucets with one arm, managing to get a decent flow of water going, and then busied himself with keeping Remus contained.

“Now, Dee, I really don’t see-“ Remus tried to summon his mace, but failed. “Why we have to do this-“ He licked Deceit’s arm with no reaction. “Wouldn’t you rather be sleeping, or doing something else in your bed, I know how you snakes are-“ He hammered his fists on the hands that held him as hard as he could.

“If I were trying to sleep instead of making you actually get clean, your disgusting smell would be keeping me awake like it does already.” Deceit snapped his fingers, and the flow of water slowed. “If you had listened to me for once instead of living like you’re in Lord Of The Flies, it wouldn’t have had to come to this.” 

When the snake reached over to test the water temperature, Remus seized his chance. He kicked out with his legs and simultaneously punched with his fists, connecting with Deceit’s abdomen. He doubled over, groaning in pain, but didn’t release him. 

“That’s… it,” he gasped, breathless from the outburst, face contorted in pain. “Screw warm water.” And with that, he hauled Remus towards him and shoved him unceremoniously into the bathtub. 

He hit the water with a high-pitched screech, limbs pinwheeling and smacking against the walls of the tub. The pain of impact did nothing to stop his flailing. The water wasn’t ice cold, but it was definitely not anywhere near warm, either, and the way it was soaking into all the layers of his clothes and weighing him down made him want to scream even more. And even worse: He could practically  _ feel  _ the muck and slime and dirt and blood he had lovingly accumulated over all his adventures leaking away! 

Deceit snapped his fingers again, summoning a bar of soap into his hands. Remus took one look at it and backed himself into the farthest corner of the tiny space (which wasn’t all that far), away from its dreaded cleansing power. It required him to move more through the water, which was steadily turning brown despite his distinct lack of effort to scrub anything away. The texture of the water and his soaked clothes against his skin, combined with the looming figure of Deceit towering above him brandishing the bar of soap, made his skin itch and his brain scream  _ trapped, stuck, mayday _ . 

But there was nowhere for him to go. Deceit had him cornered. 

“Are you going to suck it up and wash yourself, or are you going to make me do it?” The snake hissed. 

“Ooh, kinky,” Remus said, giving him his best leer. It was the first thing he could think to say.

“Don’t think I won’t, Remus, if I have to wash you then I am going to. I have had it up to here with your stink.” He offered the soap to him. A quick sniff told him that it was distinctly pleasant-smelling, like one of the stupidly over-fragrant flower gardens Roman kept in his half of the Imagination. It made his eyes water, and not in a good way. When he didn’t give him any more answer, Deceit groaned. “Fine, then.” He moved to grab Remus’ arm, bringing the soap bar up, closer, then closer-

“OKAY, I’LL DO IT!” 

The ungodly screech of surrender had both of them momentarily surprised, before the snake smiled. He set the offending soap on the edge of the tub, waiting until the other Side reluctantly picked it up between two fingers to take a step back. 

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” he said, stepping towards the door. “But if you even try to come back still smelling like a pigsty, I can do this all night.”

He was met with a splash of brown water to the face.

After Deceit left in a huff and closed the door, Remus glared at the bar. It was plain white, like his deodorants, but when he took a lick it didn’t taste nearly as good. There was no salty, suspiciously slimy aftertaste to be found, not even a hint of rot. He could think of at least a million other things he’d rather spread all over his body right now. But with the door being guarded on the other side, not to mention a ticked-off Deceit, he didn’t have much of a choice. 

Remus (reluctantly and regretfully) took a bath, and when he emerged an hour later, smelling like a rose garden and cleaner than he’d been since the day he split from his brother, his face was so heartbroken and resigned that Deceit almost felt bad for him.

Almost.


End file.
